Monday, July 27, 2009

Wardrobe Malfunctions

The thing about running is: there's a lot of bouncing up and down. So if...things...aren't tightly secured, there's always the possibility that you'll accidentally moon the man driving slowly behind you on Indian Trace. It's not that you wanted to moon him--you meant no disrespect, of course--but there is, it turns out, a very good reason why they call yoga pants YOGA pants. It's because pants with a drawstring are meant for standing in the same position, very still, for an extended period of time. Not for jostling up and down on uneven pavement.

Since I began my regular running routine this spring, my poor neighbors have been privy to the following privacy violations, head to toe:

Hat Mishap: If you run wearing a baseball hat, you really need to make sure it's on tight enough. Otherwise the visor part could slip in front of your eyes, obstructing your vision, and you could accidentally run into a pedestrian walking a dog--not "run into" as in, "Hey, Al, how're you doing," but run into as in collide bodies. This could incite the "attack" instinct in said dog, and a very belligerant "Hey, watch where you're running!" from said pedestrian.

"Top" This One, Janet Jackson: I wear with a heart rate monitor chest strap that occasionally isn't on tight enough--I'll look down to check what my rate is and if it's registering as 00, that usually means my strap has slipped out of my sports bra. I've made the mistake of trying to rearrange the chest strap while running. It's a good thing I generally run before the sun rises; I think an accidentally topless runner probably wouldn't do much to improve the morning rush-hour traffic if I'd made this faux pas in broad daylight.

Bottoms Up: We've already discussed the yoga pants that couldn't keep up with my pace. Unfortunately, running while gripping folds of fabric with both hands is something I've done a number of times. I never believed in spending a lot of money on workout clothes--I'd much rather save the cash and sink it into a crisp new Kate Spade tote than something that's going to get mildewed and sweaty. But eventually stretch pants do stretch out, especially if you wore them as maternity pants through two pregnancies and recently lost a good deal of weight. You'd think the pant-dropping problem would have gone away when I finally gave in and bought new things, but I didn't realize the size-inflation epidemic (you know, how a size 8 in the 1980s is now a size 2) extended to athletic gear and the "mediums" I bought were even baggier on me than my stretched-out stretch pants.

Sad Feet: Blisters, plantar fascitis, wearing old socks and toe swelling have all made for footwear fiascos; unlike my other wardrobe malfunctions, though, these wouldn't seem to result in indecent exposure. But, they have resulted in indecent language.

So for that, the flashing, the mooning and the running into unsuspecting pedestrians, I do humbly apologize to my fellow Westonites. I repeat again: it really is a very good thing that I run when 99% of this town is still sleeping!

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